By far, these have been the strangest couple of months I think I’ve ever experienced. Sometimes I sit and think about where I’m at, what’s happened, and I feel like I’ve had a total out of body experience. The last couple months have been a 0-60 roller coaster ride, and I have still yet to catch my breath.
My husband has taken a job and is living primarily on the west coast while I started and hopefully close in on my entire IVF process. Absolutely all of this happened at the same time. It has felt like I’m in a batting cage and all the balls blasted full force at one time, while I’m just trying to make it out alive.
Couldn’t shake the feeling
So much has changed but yet everything is still the same. The very week we got our calendar for the beginning of IVF was the exact week he accepted a new job and began a brand new career. They flew him to California to start work immediately. Though beyond thrilled about this new career, he was miserable and sick over the fact we were over 2,500 miles apart during one of the most intense months of my life. Meanwhile back in Tennessee, I couldn’t ever shake that ugly feeling that I was all alone. Despite the support from family and friends I struggled to get through these last couple months.
About three days after my egg retrieval came one of my trips to LA to do some house hunting. That weekend I experienced anxiety on a level I never have and don’t ever want to feel again. I think that I spent so much time suppressing feelings trying to maintain strength and stay calm during the stimulation period of IVF, that the very second it was over all the feelings I had tried to avoid rushed back at me full force.
I have since sorted through all that with much prayer and serious time in scripture. I still have to keep myself in check. One thing I discovered was that all those feelings were coming from a place of fear and unknown. I have never been in a place in my life like the one I’m in now. Again, back to that out of body feeling, sometimes it’s like I’m looking in on someone else. Primarily the struggle with infertility and the steps we chose to try and remedy that have felt a bit foreign.
I’m so incredibly excited about this new transition and adventure for what it’s going to mean for my family. However, at the same time, I’ve been in a constant state of survival mode. Overall feeling like I’ve been drowning, struggling to keep my head above water the entire time. During the time my husband spent playing in the NFL, constant moves were something I grew to accept, moving all over was part of who I was. Even though we moved from city to city or state to state for a new team, we always made Tennessee our “home base.” For so many reasons, maybe the gravity of the distance, began to settle in my mind and has made this move feel very different. I started to settle into a place of comfort being right beside our family. My mother in law was less than 10 minutes away and would spend so much time with us. I could throw a rock at my mom’s house, and it was the greatest thing ever. A girl loves her momma and with a momma like mine, my little heart it just hurts when I think about this move. Now I know that no amount of distance will keep us away from family and close friends, but this certainly is going to be an adjustment. Let’s just say I have a tear stained keyboard.
My journey through IVF is still in process. I have completed stimulation medications, blood work, scans, and multiple doctors visit a week and an egg retrieval. I have healthy embryos waiting for the time that they get transferred back to me. I have a husband on the west coast, a home for sale and life starting in a brand new place. In all of this, I can honestly say it has been incredible because I’ve significantly grown closer to God. I have leaned on him in ways only he could provide support. I have nurtured old relationships and gained some pretty incredible new ones. I prayed for change and life experience, and he certainly gave those to me. There is so much that I have learned in this last year that will translate into lessons for life.
With much enthusiasm, I look forward to the future.
There is so much more to come….
“I Implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.”